I used to think my job was to, you know, do stuff. Like, actual work. You know, the kind of stuff that pays the bills and keeps the company afloat. But lately, I’ve come to the horrifying realization that my true calling is to be a professional meeting attendee.
I’ve become a master of the art of staring blankly at a computer screen while pretending to be engaged in a discussion about “synergizing our core competencies.” It’s a demanding role, let me tell you. Requires a high level of caffeine intake and an uncanny ability to nod convincingly without actually saying anything.
My days now consist of a dizzying array of meetings: stand-ups, sit-downs, walk-arounds, and even once, a drive-by meeting (I still don’t know how that worked). There’s the daily scrum, the weekly check-in, the bi-weekly alignment session, and the quarterly strategic planning extravaganza. I’m starting to think we should have a meeting about having too many meetings.
The irony is palpable. We’re all so busy attending meetings about improving efficiency that we have no time to actually be efficient. It’s like a never-ending cycle of meeting inception. We’re trapped in a matrix of our own creation, where the only escape is to book another meeting to discuss the problem.
I’ve even started to dream about meetings. I’m in a conference room, surrounded by faceless avatars, and the only sound is the monotonous drone of PowerPoint presentations. It’s a nightmare, but it’s also eerily familiar.
So, to the CEOs, the VPs, and the middle managers of the world: please, for the love of all that is holy, have fewer meetings. Let us return to our desks, to our code, to our spreadsheets, to our actual jobs. Let us save the world, one productive hour at a time.
And if you absolutely must have another meeting, at least provide unlimited coffee and snacks. A well-caffeinated and well-fed employee is a more engaged employee, right? Or maybe that’s just another meeting idea.
Disclaimer: This blog post is based on the collective experiences of many overworked employees and does not necessarily reflect the views of any specific company or individual. Any resemblance to actual meetings is purely coincidental.